"My biological clock is ticking. I mean, I really NEED to have a baby!"

      She was very energetic, rising half out of her chair as she emphatically conveyed how important it was for her to have a child. We were going around the room introducing ourselves and she was one of the group of lesbians and gay men who gathered regularly to talk about their desire to be parents. I was the speaker for the day, representing Rainbow Mediations with a presentation about mediation and, in particular, Living Together Agreements.

      "This is my lover," she said, indicating the thin reed of a woman sitting quietly next to her. "She doesn't talk much." We all laughed for, indeed, she didn't. She quietly told us her name and indicated what we already knew, that she was the other woman's spouse. As I watched them, I wondered about the dynamics of these perspective parents' relationship. The one burned so brightly that her partner seemed to disappear into her shadow. But we had moved on to the next couple and then the next. As the introductions ended, a sub-theme began to emerge, the same one the exuberant woman had already expressed: ticking biological clocks and the passionate need to become a parent.

THE QUEST FOR PARENTHOOD

      Years before - and I do mean quite a few years ago - I did several speaking engagements at synagogues in the Los Angeles area, explaining to them this new phenomenon called "Gay Temples". It was the early years of the Gay Liberation movement and you could count the number of gay religious organizations on one hand. To the non-gay community, our appearance at the altar was stranger than if Moses had shown up at the manger.

      Inevitably, at each talk someone would raise the question of children. I would smugly reply that having children was not an issue. "We are gays and lesbians," I would conclude, as if that explained everything. In truth, it explained nothing. But, at that time, we were young and unformed as a community, bound together by the common goal of fighting oppression. Over the next thirty years, the huge diversity that is our community would emerge, including the establishment of children's services at the "Gay Temple."

      Ironically, here I was nearly thirty years later about to speak to a group whose sole purpose was to discuss the issues surrounding gays and lesbians having children. I was happy that we, as a community, were not taking parenthood lightly. Afterall, for two people of the same gender, having a child is a complicated process. And the psychological impact on both the parents and the child needs to be considered. At the same time, I was very troubled by this ticking biological clock. While mediating relationship dissolutions, I have seen what damage two people can do to each other when they couple unconsciously. What will happen if we start parenting unconsciously, responding more to some emotional need than to rational thinking? Will our rush to have children doom us to creating the same dysfunctional families we see in the straight community?

      In part my unease comes from the fact that our relationships are not recognized by the legal system. As a result, we couple in a vacuum. We have no laws to protect us nor formalized social customs to guide us. Thus, our most intimate relationships are left to chance as we observe and learn from others around us who are also bonding. Also, this lack of official recognition means that our relationships are not valued by the greater society, a form of homophobia they pass on to us. As a result, we internalize this lack of respect, devaluing ourselves and our relationships. This leaves me wondering, how can we hope to create a healthy family environment if we don't first create a healthy relationship with our partner?

CONSCIOUS PARENTING

      As I looked at the energetic woman and her quiet partner, I wondered to myself if they had discussed the issue of having children. Or had the higher energy partner merely brought along her partner for the ride? Had the quieter women ever stated her thoughts about having a child or was she keeping quiet for fear of rocking the boat? And had both of them thought about how having a child would alter their relationship?

      Then I began to wonder if they had ever talked about their relationship. Did they ever set the basic ground rules for their union, or were they, like most of us, making it up as they went along, day to day and crisis to crisis? If this were the case, I could only imagine what impact bringing a child into their relationship would have on them. And more importantly, I speculated what impact their undefined relationship would have on their yet-to-be-conceived child.

      When it was time for me to talk about Living Together Agreements, I started with a basic question: How long does the average same gender relationship last? According to surveys, the answer is approximately six years. However, I am always surprised at the usual answers - two years, three years. Itís clear that members of our community are pessimistic about the longevity of relationships...well, perhaps, other people's relationships. Theirs, of course, will last forever. But to hear this from people who are planning to bring children into the world, I was even more taken aback.

      When a heterosexual couple has children, they, too, think their relationship will last forever. But when it doesn't, the law is there to protect them and their children. And, in truth, knowing the social, religious and legal consequences of a divorce will often keep a family together. It can force them, rightly or wrongly, to work things out.

      When a same gender couple decide to have children, the partners have no legal protection. The non-biological or non-adoptive parent is even more unprotected, having no rights where the child is concerned. Since our relationships exist in a void, there is no external pressure to encourage the couple to "work it out." But if a couple is intent on having children while knowing that the average relationship lasts six years and that there is no legal and cultural support for their union, they should be more motivated to protect themselves and their children. This is where a Living Together Agreement is invaluable.

      What can a Living Together Agreement do for a same gender couple? First, it can bring structure to their relationship by helping the partners lay down the basic ground rules, thus making sure both people understand their responsibilities and obligations to each other. Secondly, it can state the formulas by which future conflicts will be resolved, including issues involving child support and visitation rights. Thirdly, writing an Agreement is a process through which both partners can be heard, opening up communication between them that can go beyond the writing of an Agreement. Lastly, through an Agreement, a couple can consciously create the relationship they want, one that directly reflects their individual needs.

      If the couple at the meeting sat down with a mediator to draw up a Living Together Agreement, they could begin their pursuit of parenthood by first consciously structuring their relationship. The quieter partner would have a chance to express her thoughts in a safe, supportive environment. What now appears to be an 80/20 relationship might transform itself into a 50/50 partnership. The other partner might finally quiet her ticking clock long enough to hear her spouse's thoughts and feelings about bringing a child into their relationship. And finally, they would start communicating with each other openly and honestly.

      But beginning this process takes courage. Biological clocks need to be put away, replaced by a deep love for each other, desire for self-awareness, and a commitment to beat the six year odds and make the relationship last forever. If both partners agree to enter their relationship consciously, their child will have a healthy space in which to thrive and grow. "My biological clock is ticking. I mean, I really NEED to have a baby!"

      She was very energetic, rising half out of her chair as she emphatically conveyed how important it was for her to have a child. We were going around the room introducing ourselves and she was one of the group of lesbians and gay men who gathered regularly to talk about their desire to be parents. I was the speaker for the day, representing Rainbow Mediations with a presentation about mediation and, in particular, Living Together Agreements.

      "This is my lover," she said, indicating the thin reed of a woman sitting quietly next to her. "She doesn't talk much." We all laughed for, indeed, she didn't. She quietly told us her name and indicated what we already knew, that she was the other woman's spouse. As I watched them, I wondered about the dynamics of these perspective parents' relationship. The one burned so brightly that her partner seemed to disappear into her shadow. But we had moved on to the next couple and then the next. As the introductions ended, a sub-theme began to emerge, the same one the exuberant woman had already expressed: ticking biological clocks and the passionate need to become a parent.

THE QUEST FOR PARENTHOOD

      Years before - and I do mean quite a few years ago - I did several speaking engagements at synagogues in the Los Angeles area, explaining to them this new phenomenon called "Gay Temples". It was the early years of the Gay Liberation movement and you could count the number of gay religious organizations on one hand. To the non-gay community, our appearance at the altar was stranger than if Moses had shown up at the manger.

      Inevitably, at each talk someone would raise the question of children. I would smugly reply that having children was not an issue. "We are gays and lesbians," I would conclude, as if that explained everything. In truth, it explained nothing. But, at that time, we were young and unformed as a community, bound together by the common goal of fighting oppression. Over the next thirty years, the huge diversity that is our community would emerge, including the establishment of children's services at the "Gay Temple."

      Ironically, here I was nearly thirty years later about to speak to a group whose sole purpose was to discuss the issues surrounding gays and lesbians having children. I was happy that we, as a community, were not taking parenthood lightly. Afterall, for two people of the same gender, having a child is a complicated process. And the psychological impact on both the parents and the child needs to be considered. At the same time, I was very troubled by this ticking biological clock. While mediating relationship dissolutions, I have seen what damage two people can do to each other when they couple unconsciously. What will happen if we start parenting unconsciously, responding more to some emotional need than to rational thinking? Will our rush to have children doom us to creating the same dysfunctional families we see in the straight community?

      In part my unease comes from the fact that our relationships are not recognized by the legal system. As a result, we couple in a vacuum. We have no laws to protect us nor formalized social customs to guide us. Thus, our most intimate relationships are left to chance as we observe and learn from others around us who are also bonding. Also, this lack of official recognition means that our relationships are not valued by the greater society, a form of homophobia they pass on to us. As a result, we internalize this lack of respect, devaluing ourselves and our relationships. This leaves me wondering, how can we hope to create a healthy family environment if we don't first create a healthy relationship with our partner?

CONSCIOUS PARENTING

      As I looked at the energetic woman and her quiet partner, I wondered to myself if they had discussed the issue of having children. Or had the higher energy partner merely brought along her partner for the ride? Had the quieter women ever stated her thoughts about having a child or was she keeping quiet for fear of rocking the boat? And had both of them thought about how having a child would alter their relationship?

      Then I began to wonder if they had ever talked about their relationship. Did they ever set the basic ground rules for their union, or were they, like most of us, making it up as they went along, day to day and crisis to crisis? If this were the case, I could only imagine what impact bringing a child into their relationship would have on them. And more importantly, I speculated what impact their undefined relationship would have on their yet-to-be-conceived child.

      When it was time for me to talk about Living Together Agreements, I started with a basic question: How long does the average same gender relationship last? According to surveys, the answer is approximately six years. However, I am always surprised at the usual answers - two years, three years. Itís clear that members of our community are pessimistic about the longevity of relationships...well, perhaps, other people's relationships. Theirs, of course, will last forever. But to hear this from people who are planning to bring children into the world, I was even more taken aback.

      When a heterosexual couple has children, they, too, think their relationship will last forever. But when it doesn't, the law is there to protect them and their children. And, in truth, knowing the social, religious and legal consequences of a divorce will often keep a family together. It can force them, rightly or wrongly, to work things out.

      When a same gender couple decide to have children, the partners have no legal protection. The non-biological or non-adoptive parent is even more unprotected, having no rights where the child is concerned. Since our relationships exist in a void, there is no external pressure to encourage the couple to "work it out." But if a couple is intent on having children while knowing that the average relationship lasts six years and that there is no legal and cultural support for their union, they should be more motivated to protect themselves and their children. This is where a Living Together Agreement is invaluable.

      What can a Living Together Agreement do for a same gender couple? First, it can bring structure to their relationship by helping the partners lay down the basic ground rules, thus making sure both people understand their responsibilities and obligations to each other. Secondly, it can state the formulas by which future conflicts will be resolved, including issues involving child support and visitation rights. Thirdly, writing an Agreement is a process through which both partners can be heard, opening up communication between them that can go beyond the writing of an Agreement. Lastly, through an Agreement, a couple can consciously create the relationship they want, one that directly reflects their individual needs.

      If the couple at the meeting sat down with a mediator to draw up a Living Together Agreement, they could begin their pursuit of parenthood by first consciously structuring their relationship. The quieter partner would have a chance to express her thoughts in a safe, supportive environment. What now appears to be an 80/20 relationship might transform itself into a 50/50 partnership. The other partner might finally quiet her ticking clock long enough to hear her spouse's thoughts and feelings about bringing a child into their relationship. And finally, they would start communicating with each other openly and honestly.

      But beginning this process takes courage. Biological clocks need to be put away, replaced by a deep love for each other, desire for self-awareness, and a commitment to beat the six year odds and make the relationship last forever. If both partners agree to enter their relationship consciously, their child will have a healthy space in which to thrive and grow.